Transformed
Oil on Canvas, 153" x 72", 2023
A year prior, I was commissioned to paint Edward, my client, Nylah’s father. I struggled with ideas, many of which I truly thought were from God. But upon bringing them to Nylah, she felt that they were not the image that God wanted for her father. She insisted on waiting and felt sure that the right one would come.
After a few days of consistently praying, He told me, “Stop asking for a vision, pray instead for her father.” So I did and I began to see him through new eyes. Initially, he felt intimidating, but as I prayed God connected my heart to his and I began to see him through God’s eyes. I was amazed how God was changing my heart toward Edward, but discouraged that still no vision came.
One day, seemingly out of nowhere, I received a vision of a man looking down, his face hidden. I followed his gaze, and saw him holding a heart covered in cracked stone. As I looked on in wonder, small saplings pushed out of the bright, fleshy heart, creating more cracks. They grew up toward his face and began to bloom. And from the bloom came fruit. I looked up at his face which was awestruck with joy.
As I came out of the vision, I had doubts. A heart, flowers, fruit? On the wall of a CEO’s office? It felt off and I did not want to be seen as someone incapable of hearing from God. I didn’t want to be wrong again. So I justified my fear by telling God I would show discernment and seek confirmation from him before bringing this vision to Nylah. However, God saw through my lies and addressed my true intentions. “If you are worried about your own self image, then I cannot paint through you.” My heart jumped at the seriousness of God’s statement. I knew this was not just about painting. God reassured me, “tell her what I’ve shown you.” And so I did and she revealed the vision was a direct answer to her prayer.
Relieved but still battling uncertainty as to whether Edward would like it, I painted the vision God had shown me.
“I’ve seen this before.” Tears filled his eyes as he repeated what he said, and then he was silent. Though my flesh wanted to ask a million questions, I felt the Holy Spirit filling the room and knew the Lord was pouring His love into Edward. I cannot explain the emotion shown on his face in any other way but the feeling of being deeply seen by God.
As I painted, I hit a roadblock and studied the painting to figure out what was wrong. I could not remember anything about the background of the vision I had of Edward. I made the artistic decision to make the background light, to contrast with his dark hair. But after I painted it, something felt wrong. I went home discouraged and the next day my dad told me that he had awoken from a dream in which my painting had a darker background, with a subtle glow around Edward’s head.
Again I doubted. My dad was not a painter, what does he know? Obviously, a lighter background would look better because it provided a better contrast, and on and on…” Again, I fell out of alignment with God’s intention and although I tried, the painting didn’t look right. Out of desperation, I darkened the background. I realized, the more I painted, the more the painting aligned with the original vision and that the vision my dad had seen was the same one I had seen and strayed from. I was reminded that by surrendering to the Spirit, His will would come alive in my painting, in a way that neither color nor tone could.
Delivery day! Many of my fears and doubts resurfaced as I packed the painting but dissipated as I felt the Lord smiling down on me, as if He was calibrating, and desired me to join Him. I smiled as joy bubbled up in me and as I joined God’s heart, I became overwhelmingly inspired to write Galatians 5:22-23 on the back of the painting. As I wrote out the verse the Love God felt for Edward began to overwhelm my spirit and I began to write a note from the heart to God, though I honestly don’t remember what He wrote through me. I believe the message is for Edward alone.
“When I was first saved around 30 years ago, I had a dream. In the dream, I saw myself holding my heart in my hands. It was gray and lifeless. But suddenly, the gray began to melt off and underneath, a vibrant red, fleshy heart showed.” God had provided a miracle, and I felt as if He was there, in that room, with us.
After the message was complete, I wrapped up the painting and set off to His office. As I unwrapped the painting before him. I handed it over, backwards, so he could read the message first. As he read, his face was full of emotion. As he played eyes on the painting, he seemed to be completely shocked and was silent for a minute or two. I was overcome with some excitement and a lot of anxiety, since I had no idea what he was thinking, and this kind of silence was not the reaction I was expecting.
Without lifting his eyes from the painting, he said in awe, “I’ve seen this before”. Tears filled his eyes as he repeated it. He seemed to be in some kind of shock and my flesh wanted to ask a million questions, but the Holy Spirit began to fill the room and I began to have a knowing that the Lord was pouring His love out into Edward. I cannot explain the mixed emotional expression shown on his face in any other way but the feeling of being deeply seen by God.
Edward continued, “When I was first saved around 30 years ago, I had a dream. In the dream, I saw myself holding my heart in my hands. I was gray and lifeless. But suddenly, the gray began to melt off and underneath, a vibrant red, fleshy heart showed.”
My heart leaped and I started freaking out inside with excitement and awe. But then I began to think about the fruit I was painting growing out of his heart, “Did I get the vision wrong? Did I add my own addition to God’s idea for Edward?” As I was thinking, Edward continued, “But the fruits were not in my vision.” My heart dropped. But he continued, “Ever since God saved me, my favorite verse has always been Galatians 5:22-23. “The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” They are what I long to bear in my life and it is my goal to bear them. So even when I saw you wrote my favorite verse on the back of the canvas, I knew God had something for me in this painting. When I was first saved, my heart became alive but I had no fruit yet in my life. But now this is what my heart looks like before the Lord.”
Through my great abundance of doubt and fear, The Lord did something amazing through me for Edward, that I still don’t fully understand. Through all of my confusion, God led me perfectly. I think perhaps God did more for me through this painting than He even did for Edward. He could have told me His plan and He could have told me about Edward’s dream and his favorite verse to build my confidence in the process of this painting. But He chose not to. He was teaching me to trust Him, step by step, even when each step makes no sense to me.
I feel that God was using this commission to reveal that his gift to me is not a career, but a ministry.
(Based off of this photo!)
